Matt the Great

Show: Behind the Bash
Ep: Grammy Awards After-Party
Air Date: 10/30/5
Subject: New show!

I've been waiting for this one for a while. Giada de Laurentiis is one of the Big Three FN personalities that I live for and do a mean impression of. She hosts Everyday Italian, the softcore porn-cum-cooking show wherein Giada (who's hot) explains everything with much sensuality, and she's always cooking around 5pm, so we get that fuzzy, warm light while she sprawls out on her living room couch and has a lot of fun with words like "prosciutto." Chris doesn't like her because he finds her "yuppy," "model-y," and "annoying." He didn't want me to quote him though, which is stupid because he didn't say anything that will hurt him later. I had to pull those words out of him long after he had said them which prompted him to say, "dont quote me. especially if i cant remember and you cant remember, its not much of a quote then (sic)." And this brings up an important point. Folks, I have no idea exactly what or how people phrase things. This is my e-world, and I'm predominantly concerned with providing you impressions of what I see. I'll quote what I want to quote.

This show is kind of tricky to review. Am I concerned with this episode, or how this episode represents the series? Rather than decide, I'll just keep writing. The show gives us all the details, planning, logistics ("Behind") of the Grammy Awards after-party ("the Bash"). The bash will be catered by Along Came Mary, and Mary gives us this gem: "We're producing and catering quite possibly the largest awards celebration ever." I have a feeling this might indicate a show that has a little too much self-importance. The Grammys? Ever? Uh-oh.

Then the credits. They are boring. Many of the clips come from this episode, but more importantly, all the clips are caiter-waiters carrying trays and cooks squeezing pastry bags. How many times over the course of this series can we watch people cait and wait and still convince ourselves it's entertainment?

Quickly we're introduced to Eddie Cooper, Executive Pastry Chef, who is to Along Came Mary what J. Alexander is to America's Next Top Model. He's a little ridiculous, but I do want to try his inventive tiramisu. Tiramisu does, of course, give Giada an oppurtunity to say "mascarpone," and that's my signature word when I "do" Giada. Even more predictably (for Giada's fans), the tiramisu allows Eddie to squirt a dallop of creamy, white mascarpone onto her finger for her to lick off. Tastes good, I'm sure.

A great selling point of this Food Network product is the large focus on the food. It's about 70% in the kitchen, and the remaining 30% is for everything else. This makes it easy for Giada to let us know helpful things, such as that eggplant can be stored for a few days. Three days before the bash, she's talking to some department head about his eggplant parmigiana. He's brushing them in olive oil, and she says that she grills hers, and he gives her a kind of, "yeah bitch, I'm cooking for 6,000 people." Anyway, she does her trademark teethy smile-lunge, and I'm happy.

Later, she's Giada-ing through the kitchen with her hair all done up and her makeup real pretty. She might not be actually hot, but she's what the FN sells as "hot," and I buy it. We learn how to make fish creviche shooters, and also that creviche is, in Latin cuisine, cold-cooking in citrus juices--keeps fish fresh and flavorful! With this new guy, she makes a bowl of this stuff, but at the rate they do it, there's no way they'll have enough in time for all the guests. But wait! Now she has different clothes, and her hair's down! Minus one, editor. I DVR-paused a bunch of times to get to the bottom of this, and I'd keep getting a good frame of her face, and yeah, she really is pretty.

Security/lights/sound/yawn. Mary starts getting really intense (her Chinese herbs are wearing off, she says); Giada says "caprrray-zay" (caprese); and it's bash-day. She's back with cerviche-guy, and he's feeding her something. Then this:

I hope that people are starting to get why I love her shows.

The guests arrive *any minute*! Chinese herb-Mary is walking to her crew of caiter-waiters to prep talk them, and Giada and crew interview her about nerves and stuff. I think it's kind of mean to make her worry about taping Behind the Bash moments before her huge event begins. Back in the kitchen, Giada tries Eddie's creme brulee. The tart bursts, and creme shoots all over her. Sex.

The party starts, and Giada looks pretty darn hot. I like that the food is the focus, and I like that we get to go behind closed doors, and I like even more that they use a whooshing door slam sound effect every time she says "behind closed doors." Ultimately, the show's a little boring, and I think it's going to be like Queer Eye--you see three episodes and quickly realize how much the same they all are. I like that her Everyday Italian softcore and innuendo fit in with this show's beat. Or maybe they don't, but I do really love her softcore and innuendo, so I don't care whether they belong or not. I guess they are to her what giggling is to Rachael Ray. Speaking of RR, this is so clearly Giada's Inside Dish with Rachael Ray. Don't worry Giada, you'll get a $40 a Day, that is, a successful secondary show, soon enough. I am upset that this show doesn't give her a chance to force her friends to tell her how good her food is as in Everyday Italian. Final word: Giada is so freaking hot.