Reviewing The Food Network: All Star Christmas, part I
Show: All Star Holiday PartyEpisode: n/a; special
Air date: 12/24/5
Subject: Change of IN THE KITCHEN personnel
The holidays can be a really stressful time because of all the Food Network we watch. 'Season's Eatings' starts before T-Day, and circa December Week 2, it goes crazy! I wanted to review all the delicious programming the Jesus of Cable has been throwing at us, but that, to rip off the NYT when speaking about doing the reading in college, would be to take a sip of water from the fire hydrant. So the best thing to review is the All Star Holiday Party.
Remember last year's All Star Thanksgiving Celebration? That was easily one of the happiest events in my life. You see, it was the sampler platter of everyone important to me seen in each's own element, culminating in their coming together. Every 'In The Kitchen' star (except Ina. Where the fuck was Ina? Paula got in from Savannah, Giada from LA, but passive-aggressive Ina couldn't get to the FN HQ in Chelsea from Long Island?!) prepared a dish for the feast in his own style and his own kitchen. Then, they all bring it to the same table. I wanted to hug my television. When I saw Cold Mountain with Isaac, he wept. He said it was because he read the book, and when you're with those characters for 500 pages, you really become attached, so when Jude Law dies, it's devastating. To me, that meant he must have been bored senseless twice. But the point is, these cooking show stars are my life, and when they come together, I am happier than I am at any other point of my life ever.
So they did it all over again for X-mas 2K5. The 'In The Kitchen' roster has changed so much this short year. Present were:
Remember last year's All Star Thanksgiving Celebration? That was easily one of the happiest events in my life. You see, it was the sampler platter of everyone important to me seen in each's own element, culminating in their coming together. Every 'In The Kitchen' star (except Ina. Where the fuck was Ina? Paula got in from Savannah, Giada from LA, but passive-aggressive Ina couldn't get to the FN HQ in Chelsea from Long Island?!) prepared a dish for the feast in his own style and his own kitchen. Then, they all bring it to the same table. I wanted to hug my television. When I saw Cold Mountain with Isaac, he wept. He said it was because he read the book, and when you're with those characters for 500 pages, you really become attached, so when Jude Law dies, it's devastating. To me, that meant he must have been bored senseless twice. But the point is, these cooking show stars are my life, and when they come together, I am happier than I am at any other point of my life ever.
So they did it all over again for X-mas 2K5. The 'In The Kitchen' roster has changed so much this short year. Present were:
- Rachael Ray: as if the FN could do anything without their perky money-maker.
- Paula Deen: who cooks with Rachael! Merry Christmas from the FN!
- Emeril: I think it's at his "house."
- Sandra Lee: whenever I think someone is more qualified to comment on something than I, I will use his commentary. Nick is loads more qualified than I am to discuss Sandra Lee. I asked him for a quote; what he gave me was a tour de force. That will be published as its own entry.
- Bobby Flay: whatever.
- Michael Chiarello: he's worthless. I don't get why he has a FN show. His pitch to the network must have been something to the affect of, "I am going to cook things on television."
- Some Blond Girl: she decorates things. Is she really on the FN? If so, they should totally move her show to HGTV where she would be more welcome but could stay on the Scripps Network's payroll. She will prove to be worthless as well.
Absent from last year's Thanksgiving, sadly, are:
- Sara Moulton: She had to grow on me, but boy, did she! I don't even know if she's still an 'In the Kitchen' chef. If she isn't, we're all the less without her.
- Alton Brown: love him, and he represents from Roswell, GA. This Christmas would have been substantially more entertaining if we had apple cider made over a Bunson burner. Again, our loss.
- Tyler Florence: and what good riddance! Why be part of a team when he can just boss Jack around on How to Boil Water, you know? I love Jack. I hate Tyler. [cocaine and super-model comment deleted]
- Giada di Laurentiis: I now know what it would be like if I had to present my body to someone but didn't have my left arm.
As you can probably gather, the times are changing, and I don't like it. 2003-4 are now evident to have the optimum melange of personalities on this network. But the year is 2005, and I only have what they give me.
posted by Matt the Great @ 12/25/2005
1 Comments:
matt...
i have to agree. this roster of FN celebs was pretty disappointing. oh, not that i didn't welcome them into my own home as though they were my own fakely functional family.
thank god for paula deen. that's all i'll say.
rachael ray. also, say no more.
bobby makes good food. the lobster, though? not sure what he was thinking...
emril, i honestly don't mind when he's not doing EMRIL LIVE!!!!!!!!!! WITH DOC GIBBS AND THE EMRIL LIVE BAND!!!!!!!!!!
i actually kind of like michael "grey salt" chiarello on his own show, but totally agree with you that it pointed out his sonoma-county-pompousness and personality-inaccessibility by awkwardly making him interact with real FN celebrities.
sandra lee... we all know my feelings on this topic, i believe.
and that hgtv blonde girl... random. either i feel bad for every other fn celeb not on this special because they dragged this poor pregnant and obviously ill-prepared woman from another network in instead of them, or i'm proud of every other fn celeb for not participating because they didn't want to possibly be partnered up with sandra lee.
looking on the bright side tho, i'm glad they got someone else in to take the tablescape glory away from sandra wheres-the-liquor? lee. they let sandra sufficiently embarrass herself by only contributing liptons-soup-mix- and-sour-cream dips in hollowed out bell peppers. wait, how much does she get paid?
giada is sorely missed. as is ina. and alton. and even tyler. and where are the gays (who got their own show that's never on)?
thank GOD they didn't drag in carlos the calorie commando, or marc summers or something.
really, the whole special is worth it for paula deen. sometimes i have to remind myself that i don't actually know her and she isn't really my friend. those are sad moments. but then i forget again and i'm happy.
new year's resolution for 2006:
become bff with paula deen.
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