Matt the Great

So the basic set-up of last year's Thanksgiving special was that each star cooks a dish in his own kitchen, be it in Savannah, New York, LA, Roswell, etc., and then they all come to a neutral kitchen with their individual dishes to make a full spread. For Christmas, Emeril has invited everyone over to his house (I think) and they pair off to cook and dish. Either one person is "teaching" the other how to make her dish or they're both on equal terms.

Some of the pairings were just plainly predictable. Paula Deen and Emeril, for example, get lumped together. Both are Southern. Get it?

And then Sandra Lee and Bobby Flay cook together, which is also obvious since they both make you want to gag. They're cooking lobster. For Christmas. I really don't get meat-eaters. They just put the lobster in the pan and cook it. Is that really all you have to do? I know that works for carrots, but I thought that you have to prep meat, either by marinade, by chopping, or at least by killing it. All y'all are just weird.

They pepper the special with confessionals like on The Real World, except instead of talking about alcohol and ass, they're talking about family traditions and each other. You know those Season's Eatings spots where they put an average FN viewer on a white screen and have him talk about the holidays and food? It's the same thing. They all advertise each other: "Cooking with Blah-blah-blah is just so much fun because he is so blah-blah-blah!" They are basically leaving each other Friendster testimonials. It's a little weird but I kind of like it.

Michael Chiarello cooks something for some reason. He tries to have the "It"-factor that makes me want to purchase action figures of all the other FN stars. He, of course, doesn't. Here is Michael Chiarello being funny:

Here is Michael Chiarello making food and his food-skills accessible to the average viewer:

Thanks for the laughs, Michael Chiarello.

Later he cooks with Sandra Lee. Gross. In one of her confessionals, she talks about how much energy he has. The editor then cuts to him saying "whoa" with about the same amount of enthusiasm I use when I ask our office manager for another box of paper clips. I think the editor did that on purpose just to be a smart-ass. Good work, editor. I know I complain about Sandra Lee, and I know I'm right to complain, but I really do have to admit that she's pretty hot, albeit alienesque, and I do want to sleep with her.

Remember the blond lady I was talking about back in Part I? The one I said has no business to be on FN, but rather should be on HGTV? OK, turns out she is from HGTV. I checked the website for the special and found that she is "...Candace Olson, a special guest from HGTV, [who] creates a beautiful backdrop and table setting for the party." Let's briefly discuss the "beautiful backdrop." It is lime green and sky blue. It is pretty; I really like both of those colors. But this is a Christmas ("Holiday") special, so I mean, what? If this is the crazy fucked up shit that goes on over at HGTV, then I'll pass, thank you very much. I get her point, that she wants to depart from the traditional, and I'm all about that. But she's not so much departing from tradition as she is just stealing another tradition--Easter--and I label it "unsuccessful."