Reviewing the Food Network
Show: Behind the Bash
Ep: Grammy Awards After-Party
Air Date: 10/30/5
Subject:
New show!I've been waiting for this one for a while. Giada de Laurentiis is one of the Big Three FN personalities that I live for and do a mean impression of. She hosts
Everyday Italian, the softcore porn-cum-cooking show wherein Giada (who's hot) explains everything with much sensuality, and she's always cooking around 5pm, so we get that fuzzy, warm light while she sprawls out on her living room couch and has a lot of fun with words like "prosciutto." Chris doesn't like her because he finds her "yuppy," "model-y," and "annoying." He didn't want me to quote him though, which is stupid because he didn't say anything that will hurt him later. I had to pull those words out of him long after he had said them which prompted him to say, "dont quote me. especially if i cant remember and you cant remember, its not much of a quote then (
sic)." And this brings up an important point. Folks, I have no idea
exactly what or how people phrase things. This is my e-world, and I'm predominantly concerned with providing you
impressions of what I see. I'll quote what I want to quote.
This show is kind of tricky to review. Am I concerned with this episode, or how this episode represents the series? Rather than decide, I'll just keep writing. The show gives us all the details, planning, logistics ("Behind") of the Grammy Awards after-party ("the Bash"). The bash will be catered by Along Came Mary, and Mary gives us this gem: "We're producing and catering quite possibly the largest awards celebration ever." I have a feeling this might indicate a show that has a little too much self-importance. The Grammys?
Ever? Uh-oh.
Then the credits. They are boring. Many of the clips come from this episode, but more importantly, all the clips are caiter-waiters carrying trays and cooks squeezing pastry bags. How many times over the course of this series can we watch people cait and wait and still convince ourselves it's entertainment?
Quickly we're introduced to Eddie Cooper, Executive Pastry Chef, who is to Along Came Mary what
J. Alexander is to
America's Next Top Model. He's a little ridiculous, but I do want to try his inventive tiramisu. Tiramisu does, of course, give Giada an oppurtunity to say "mascarpone," and that's my signature word when I "do" Giada. Even more predictably (for Giada's fans), the tiramisu allows Eddie to squirt a dallop of creamy, white mascarpone onto her finger for her to lick off. Tastes good, I'm sure.
A great selling point of this Food Network product is the large focus on the food. It's about 70% in the kitchen, and the remaining 30% is for everything else. This makes it easy for Giada to let us know helpful things, such as that eggplant can be stored for a few days. Three days before the bash, she's talking to some department head about his eggplant parmigiana. He's brushing them in olive oil, and she says that she
grills hers, and he gives her a kind of, "yeah bitch, I'm cooking for 6,000 people." Anyway, she does her trademark teethy smile-lunge, and I'm happy.
Later, she's Giada-ing through the kitchen with her hair all done up and her makeup real pretty. She might not be actually hot, but she's what the FN sells as "hot," and I buy it. We learn how to make fish creviche shooters, and also that
creviche is, in Latin cuisine, cold-cooking in citrus juices--keeps fish fresh and flavorful! With this new guy, she makes a bowl of this stuff, but at the rate they do it, there's no way they'll have enough in time for all the guests. But wait! Now she has different clothes, and her hair's down! Minus one, editor. I DVR-paused a bunch of times to get to the bottom of this, and I'd keep getting a good frame of her face, and yeah, she really is pretty.
Security/lights/sound/yawn. Mary starts getting really intense (her Chinese herbs are wearing off, she says); Giada says "caprrray-zay" (
caprese); and it's bash-day. She's back with cerviche-guy, and he's feeding her something. Then this:
Cerviche-guy: "You don't have to put the whole thing in your mouth."
Giada: "Why not?"
(both laugh)
I hope that people are starting to get why I love her shows.
The guests arrive *any minute*! Chinese herb-Mary is walking to her crew of caiter-waiters to prep talk them, and Giada and crew interview her about nerves and stuff. I think it's kind of mean to make her worry about taping Behind the Bash moments before her huge event begins. Back in the kitchen, Giada tries Eddie's creme brulee. The tart bursts, and creme shoots all over her. Sex.
The party starts, and Giada looks pretty darn hot. I like that the food is the focus, and I like that we get to go behind closed doors, and I like even more that they use a whooshing door slam sound effect every time she says "behind closed doors." Ultimately, the show's a little boring, and I think it's going to be like Queer Eye--you see three episodes and quickly realize how much the same they all are. I like that her Everyday Italian softcore and innuendo fit in with this show's beat. Or maybe they don't, but I do really love her softcore and innuendo, so I don't care whether they belong or not. I guess they are to her what giggling is to Rachael Ray. Speaking of RR, this is so clearly Giada's Inside Dish with Rachael Ray. Don't worry Giada, you'll get a $40 a Day, that is, a successful secondary show, soon enough. I am upset that this show doesn't give her a chance to force her friends to tell her how good her food is as in Everyday Italian. Final word: Giada is so freaking hot.
Adventures in Hotness: FRANZ FERDINAND
Ears are still ringing two hours after the concert. I saw FF last year at about the same time at Roseland, and it was really one of the sexiest things I've ever seen, but we were kind of far back, and Dave's skin infection kind of plays down just how hot the concert actually was. But tonight was Ferdinand's second, hopefully annual night of singing to Matt.
G & I were standing about 5 people from the stage, so they were all so big. We were kind of split in the middle between Nick McCarthy [at right, behind the American Eagle tool's hand] and Alex Kapranos [at left], and watching them together gave me many of the same feelings I got when watching Gael Garcia Bernal and Diego Luna together in Y Tu Mama. And I really don't know how to describe it all, other than it was all so hot.
The pictures come from the really hot Australian girl whose ponytail slapped me in the face a lot when she was jumping. If she wasn't, like, as hot as she was, I would have been all passive aggressive about how she was annoying me, but the situation being what it was, her ponytail totally enhanced the concert. There was a lot of jumping. We were standing on the orchestra pit at the Theater at MSG, which is a hydraulic lift, so it kind of worked like a trampoline. You jumped even if you weren't planning on jumping. It was great, but now as I type it, it doesn't sound all that safe. The crowd was yelling out for "This Fire" at the end, and now thinking about that, it probably wasn't cool to have a lot of people yelling "Fire!" in a 
crowded, dark, public space. They gave us "This Fire" at the end of the encore which had them all standing on the drums doing things with their guitars and the drummer that made me really glad I'm an adult and know what to do with those kinds of feelings.
There was plenty of crowd interaction, yet they maintained their properness. Alex, at points in the music when his guitar playing wasn't that important, jammed it down into the crowd. They opened with "Jacqueline," each taking the stage and entering the song one-by-one. G and I thought of calling Jaclyn then, but the band was too hot to figure out how to work the cell phone at that time. G got her act together by "Michael," though, and called Spear. Costumes: Two center men in bright red cowboy button downs--a cut of shirt I've had since '03, mind you--and the two on the outside in all black. Drummer in the back in my old Jujamcyn ushering uniform.
They had 4 rotating panels of Franz-backdrop in the, well, back, and I knew they're called periaktoi because I have a degree in theater from a private school, and this blog entry marks the very first bit of good that degree has done me since graduation.
Yeah, it was hot. Look at the hot Aussie's pictures. That is why Franz Ferdiand is mattthegreat.blogspot.com's first Adventure in Hotness. And oh--the new cd is totally worth $13.99. Their voices in Track 1 are those type of voices you know come from hot people. I've developed a liking to Track Nos. 4, 5, 7, & 12.
THE PRIZE WINNER OF DEFIANCE, OHIO is a lot like A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN
This is the movie where Julianne Moore plays a 1950s housewife. Basic premise: she's a mother of ten, her husband spends his measly paycheck on booze, she wins the bread by winning little housewife contests all the time. I saw it on a rainy Monday and it warmed the cockles of my heart. Iit's all a real memoir.
ICONS IN THE CAST: Julianne Moore. Of course the first movie I want to talk about has Julianne Moore. She could win this year--not that she'll win for
Prize Winner, but
Prize Winner could easily be the one they use to award her for
The End of the Affair, The Hours, Magnolia, etc. It's pretty unanimous to think J-Mo is hot and awesome and good at acting and stuff, so rather than talking about her in this movie, I'll recap our moment. I'm on the First Center Aisle at
Doubt during the busy period of the walk-in. A solidly annoying amount of Excuse Mes are asking me stuff. I take a ticket from one in the crowd, look at it, and say that this ticket is on the
Second Center Aisle. I hand the ticket back to the patron and notice, OMG, it's Juli-fucking-anne Moore. She's surprisingly not too tall, and not surprisingly stunning with no makeup and plain clothes. I gave her her ticket and she said:
"Thank you."
As I was handing it to her, we made eye contact and unmistakably had a moment. I don't have a link to Julianne Moore's blog, but no doubt she talks about our experience together on there. After I got off, about 40 contacts in my phonebook got this text:
ohmygodohmygod...oh...my...god. JULIANNE MOORE.
JU-LI-ANNE-MOORE. i am dead. oh god.
SOMETHING THAT MADE ME AT LEAST A LITTLE VERKLEMPT: Like, the whole freaking thing! The most verklempt-wrenching moments were all those where Julianne Moore seemingly hits rock bottom and then pulls out some skittle-colored maxim about happiness and life. And then MTG puts his hand around his face lest Gayathri sees his tear. A really special one, I think I remember, is in the last 20 minutes when the main daughter (she's the one whose real-life counterpart wrote the book, so I guess the extra screentime makes some sense) by the window. Oh--and then at the end,
(spoiler!) all the real-life kids play themselves in the present.
Also, if you dig really precious children, you're going to *love* the flower-picking son. You might want to save your $10.25,
Lauren S.
AT SOME POINT, I SAID, "AWW, DAMN ": The weakest link of this movie was Woody Harrelson (who also came to
Doubt--we didn't have a moment) as the loser dad. But I will say he did make me really uncomfortable a lot, so I guess he did his job. But there's the is-this-domestic-violence? incident with the milk bottles. If ever I were going to say "aww,
damn," this would be that time.
COULD PUT IT ON MY FRIENDSTER FAVES: Umm, yeah, I could. One thing listing this as a favorite says is that, "this guy, though devilishly handsome, really likes his chick flicks." But I think anyone I would want friendstering me would say, "this guy LOVES Julianne Moore. His stellar tastes well complement his stunning looks."
This movie is so much like
A League of Their Own. AND! I learned a secret for making better egg salad
(spoiler!):
pickle juice.
Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV This Week
It came during Commander-in-Chief, but I'm showing great restraint by not calling the MATISoTVTW Mack's judicious, progressive leadership that makes me fall ever deeper in love with Mackenzie Allen/Geena Davis each week. And boy, do I want to.
But the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV This Week might also be the Most Merry Thing I Saw on TV This Week; after the C-i-C: created by Rod Lurie opening titles, the first commercial break gave us a triple punch of Christmas commercials! Bam! Bam! Bam!
Commercial One: Carnival Cruise Lines. A jolly, white family Christmas shops. "Beyond the Sea (yuletide remix)" is the background. "How do you wrap togetherness? Or put a ribbon around a memory? Can you even put a bow on fun?" It's snowing, and people hug each other. Fortunately, the narrator answers his questions: "You can; you will; when you surprise someone with a vaction from Carnival." And oh, after typing this, I just got why they chose "Beyond the Sea." Boats. Sea. That one should probably have been easier.
Commercial Two: K-Mart. They're having a sale on winter coats and scarves. The racially diverse kids and adults are building a snowman on the soundstage. There's nothing Christmas-y about it, I suppose, but you tell the Jewish kids that "Frosty the Snowman" is non-demoninational.
Commercial Three: 20th Century Fox (the logo card's been dressed with snowflakes!!). They're promoting their new film SJP in a Romantic Comedy or something. Whatever it's called, it is in the home-for-the-holidays genre and is out November 11.
Every year I can't contain myself and whip out the Christmas carols circa Halloween. And by every early December, I've already blown my load and am over Christmas. While everyone else grunts when Duane Reade starts decorating, I rejoice that the people who want my money say to me, "go forth, MTG, and celebrate this season." Hark, the Herald Advertisment Agencies Sing!
A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN is a lot like A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN
teaMMatt is so pleased to announce "___ Is A Lot Like A League of Their Own." In this new feature, I am not interested in telling you whether Movie X is good or bad; I am interested in telling you about movies that favorably compare to perhaps the best value you'll get for $3 and two hours, ALoTO. Because I'm not trying to play critic, all of these movies are movies I liked and am passing on to you. The way you're most likely to want to see it--and I think you will agree--is by identifying Movie X's components to those shared with ALoTO.
So to lay down some framework, teaMMatt isolates those components that make A League of Their Own the world's most enjoyable movie. Ever. 
ICONS IN THE CAST: It's no secret that ALoTO has a stellar roster. Joining Lori Petty are Tom Hanks, Rosie O'Donnell, Jon Lovitz, Bill Pullman, Penny Marshall (director), Madonna, and Geena Davis. The teaMMatt-selected ICONS are the last two. Madonna and Geena Davis are two mega-icons acting in the same movie--often in the same scene!--sometimes even having lines TOGETHER! I know; I came too. It would be idle to hope that Julianne Moore, Gael Garcia Bernal, Angelica Huston, or Bebe Neuwirth will appear in every movie, so sometimes "icon" will cover not necessarily a regularly called-upon favorite of teaMMatt, but at least someone we can all really sink our teeth into. Ex.: Ileanna Douglas, Kathy Najimy, that guy from Freaks and Geeks.
SOMETHING THAT MADE ME AT LEAST A LITTLE VERKLEMPT: In
ALoTO,
there's no "a little" about it. When Geena Davis drops that ball in the final game against the Racine Belles, I sob. There's only one motif in movies that makes me cry: two people who started as foes putting their differences aside and donning each other respect. Geena Davis could have held on to that ball for a Rockford Peach victory, but out of love for sister Lori Petty, she drops it...on purpose. "Though we have disagreed in the past, Kit, I care about you and hope to work together to build a positive future for us."
AT SOME POINT, I SAID, "AWW, DAMN ": In other words, something a little gut-wrenching. Maybe it was sad; maybe it hit an intellectual chord. Sometimes, it might even make me want to look away, though I know that by watching, I will grow. In ALoTO, it's that pre-game locker room scene where Betty Spaghetti (And get this! For these characters' names, I'm not googling or re-watching or anything; I totally have them remebered from 1992. Snap.) learns her husband was killed in the line of duty for his country. The close second is Lori Petty learning she's been traded, throwing a baseball through the window, and "BITCH!"-ing Geena Davis.
COULD PUT IT ON MY FRIENDSTER FAVES: So basically, it's a movie that A.) I'm not ashamed at the level at which I like it (To Wong Foo...), B.) isn't obnoxiously popular, where people like it to be hip (Donnie Darko), yet C.) makes people think, "gosh, Matt is such an intriguing character with quirks I am anxious to explore!" (Splash).
In closing, it's a fine piece of work that--wait for it--scores a home run upon every viewing.
Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV This Week
OK. I caught the season premiere of Degrassi: TNG tonight, and if the teasers during the commercials live up to themselves then this show is going there, times ten. Suicide, plastic surgery, pregnancy, corn rows... But before it goes there, a couple big crises in the opening credits:
Alex and the hood she always hangs out with are finally in the opening credits. Fine.
Where are Sean and Ashley??? This is not cool. Sean was like, the more watchable version of Spinner; Ash was the hot, goth, singer chick who went to London. And to answer my question, she's not coming back. But Sean was written off the show in one passing "I'm so over that drama" from Emma. Lame work, writers.
Peter. There's a new kid at Degrassi Community School. He's an American Eagle pretty boy, wannabe director that creepily always has his Hi-8 cam in hand, even when he comes off the basketball court. Thanks, Canada, for giving us another Dawson.
The episode tonight belonged to Manny who, after acting in last season's Jay & Silent Bob "do Canada" movie (guest starring Alanis Morissette), decided to be an actress (read: "gets her breasts done"). She drunkenly lets Creepy Dawson film her undone breasts, and then he Paris Hiltons her to the whole school. Paige is still a bitch; Emma is still the voice of what one ought to do.
But even after all my anticipation for the return of the 100% Intense Canadafest, the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV This Week happened in the commercial break: I saw an ad from The N promoting their airing of THE ORIGINAL DEGRASSI SERIES! There was Spike and Snake from 20 years ago making a date to go to the Gourmet Scum concert! The N is airing these episodes Sundays through Thursdays at midnight, calling it Degrassi, Old School, which I don't think it was called when it first aired.
Degrassi, for those that need the schooling (I kill me), is a Canadian public television series that followed a group of classmates at the title school as they go through life issues. It aired in the States on PBS, and a lot of us watched it in Health class. All the kids on the show had crazy '80s hair. Two summers ago, Tim lived with me as Dave's sublet. Tim watched Degrassi: The Next Generation a lot. I watched at first as camp, then I started to care about the characters, and now it's only like, my favorite show ever. TNG is back at the old school, and the idea is that all the "old school" characters are parents of present-day Degrassi students. Some of those old schoolers are on now as their old selves. The writers do an awesome job with some damn good kid actors. The issues range from "I'm sick of Liberty always winning the science fair" to "Rick brought a gun to school, injuring two and killing himself."
The saga aspect makes it really hard to explain to newcomers, but it basically goes as such: Craig and Ash were dating on and off, but he cheated with Manny, which resulted in abortion, which was never aired in the US, even though JT was crushing on her, which he totally blew when she saw him using his penis pump, which was the idea of Toby, who....oh screw it....go here: timeline.
Anyway, the new season is going to be hard core, and Old School will be harder than hard core, but I will use Ellie's words from tonight and venture that all of these episodes will make "the greatest, most rockingest party ever." Word, Ellie.
Reviewing the Food Network
The most appropriate way to kick off "Reviewing the Food Network" is with the love-her-or-hate-her-but-be-prepared-for-MTG-to-defend-her-with-an-annoying-vengeance FN darling Rachael Ray. She's perfect, but as she showed today, she isn't, but as this review will prove, that is why she is.
Show: 30-Minute Meals
Ep: "Take a Hike"
Air date: 10/9/5
Subject: Rachael Ray's Sacrifice of Perfection as a Yield to Fun
This morning, Ray is cooking portobello hoagies which are *perfect* to take on a hike where mayonnaise- and meat-free foods carry great gravity. She's making the marinade for the portobellos:
4 tablespoons sherry vinegar
2 rounded tablespoons spicy mustard
1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
1/2 cup extra-virgin olive oil, eyeball it
6 ["gigando, hUUUge" -RR] cloves garlic, finely chopped
Coarse salt and coarse black pepper
(reprinted without permission from www.FoodNetwork.com, and remember, regarding these measurements, "...the food will taste better if you let your own hands and taste buds be your guide. Recipes are suggestions, not written law." --RR in 30-MM2)
...she adds the salt, and oops!, she forgot that
(RR TIP!) you're not supposed to add salt to mushrooms until
after the cooking as the salt pulls the moisture out and impedes their cooking process.
"Everybody makes a mistake...once in a while. So what? It's just food. It'll taste good, no matter what," Rachael says, reminding us all A.) that 30-Minute Meals is a legit, no re-dos, balls-to-the-wall cooking show, and more importantly B.) of Ray's anyone-can-cook, there-are-no-rules, just-get-in-there-and-have-fun cooking mantra.
This is why Ray is America's sweetheart and isn't correctly described by any of this
rachael_ray_sux bullshit. To one palmful of imperfection, whisk in 3 big spoonfuls of whimsy, add EVOO twice around the pan; yields one big bowl of perfect. That she's as hot as a bowl of stoup makes for one sweet garnish ("the big ta-da!," if you will).
In this same episode, she's toasting her hoagie rolls for the 'shrooms, and before commercial, she mentions she'd better go get those before she lets them burn, which she's wont to do. She's always talking about how notorious she is for leaving things in the oven, but never once have I seen anything overcook in that lil' retro kitchen of hers. If that happened, I'm sure she'd just scrape off the carbon and giggle. This is what Rachael Ray is all about. It's like when Baz Luhrman made Shakespeare accessible to MTV-ers.
In 30-Minute Meals 2 Rachael promises us, "a high can-do factor that makes you feel like a rock star in your kitchen." Now that I don't have to sweat the small stuff, I believe I can rock! Thank you for rocking, Rachael Ray.
Most Awesome Thing I Saw On TV This Week
"Mack, you are the first female president. If Moses had been a woman leading the Jews in the desert, she would have stopped and asked for directions. They'd have been in Israel in a week."Those of us who have been on the edges of our seats since the 2001 cancellation of
The Geena Davis Show finally got our guerdon when ABC loudly debuted
Commander in Chief this Tuesday. The
NYT copped an "
alright-so-it's-pretty-good" attitude on the show, and that's most likely how each felt of the
16.15 million viewers who made the pilot that night's most watched show.
teaMMatt sponsored a party to welcome the spicy redhead's Next Big Thing. Nine guests attended and were, if I gandered correctly, disappointed to find the show pretty damn decent:
(from the E-vite e-sponses)
"Its [sic] like West Wing written by fifth graders. POLITICAL FIFTH GRADERS!" --Ian
"I also don't think women should be in MENSA, as they could never be as intelligent as men. AND Geena Davis is Fat." --Dave
Maybe Ian was right by just a little; the writers seem to have the right idea of how to do this show, but plenty of the gloriously bad dialogue you'd expect with this topic slide right into the final draft. Alessandra Stanley chose these as her most laughable lines of the evening for her NYT review:
[Donald Sutherland] assures [Geena Davis] that Islamic nations will never accept a woman as leader of the free world. "Not only that, Nathan," she retorts sarcastically, "but we have the whole once-a-month, 'will she/won't she press the button?' thing." He laughs nastily and says, "Well, in a couple of years you're not going to have to worry about that anymore."
But it was that gem up there at the top that commanded multiple DVR rewinds from the nine party guests, and that was totally The Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV This Week.
A great selling point of this Food Network product is the large focus on the food. It's about 70% in the kitchen, and the remaining 30% is for everything else. This makes it easy for Giada to let us know helpful things, such as that eggplant can be stored for a few days. Three days before the bash, she's talking to some department head about his eggplant parmigiana. He's brushing them in olive oil, and she says that she grills hers, and he gives her a kind of, "yeah bitch, I'm cooking for 6,000 people." Anyway, she does her trademark teethy smile-lunge, and I'm happy.
